What is your discomfort telling you?
One of my favorite questions to use as a coach is “What is this emotion telling you?”
Sometimes my clients will describe feeling a strong sense of anger or frustration about a particular situation, to which I will often ask, “What is that emotion telling you? What is that frustration or anger communicating to you?” Often times, it’s a sign that a client is feeling misalignment between their values and their circumstances.
For me, that kind of values misalignment can present as a physical response - butterflies in my stomach, a sinking feeling in my gut. I recently had to make a decision related to work, and following advice from folks that I trust, I was planning to move forward in a way that others had recommended. Despite the decision being “settled”, physically I felt completely unsettled - I couldn’t stop shaking my leg and my stomach was in knots. After taking a moment to sit with those feelings and process them, I realized that making the decision in this way didn’t align with my values. Instead of following others’ advice, I moved forward in a way that felt more aligned for me.
Discomfort can be a gift, and we need to feel it to grow.
Recently I’ve been reflecting a lot specifically on feelings of discomfort and what a gift they can be in communicating messages to us. We’re living in a time where discomfort is a prevalent emotion. Many white folks may feel that they’re waking up to our country’s pervasive and systemic racism for the first time.
The truth of the matter is that discomfort can be a gift, and we need to feel it in order to grow.
We might especially feel discomfort when we’re learning something new. As a white person, I know that discomfort will sometimes (or often) present itself when I’m doing work to learn more about white supremacy and racial inequities, or when I’m working to unpack my own whiteness and white privilege. My discomfort in these situations actually tells me a lot - that the world and organizations I’m a part of do not align with my values, that I feel shame and sadness at what my white privilege has helped me achieve, that I fear I’m falling short in my values of breaking down white supremacy and racism in myself and others, that I’m not doing enough. That I’m not enough.
But, and perhaps most importantly, my discomfort tells me that I’m growing. This is especially true if I take time to sit with it and feel it - to not look away and move on to something else, or find something to distract myself with. To really feel it, process it, and move forward in a way that releases it - like by sharing what I know with other white folks or advocating for organizational change.
The next time you sense a feeling of discomfort, try and take a moment to sit with it. Just notice it, maybe while closing your eyes or breathing slowly. Then take some time to process where it might be coming from - ask yourself “What is my discomfort telling me? How can I move forward in a way that will align with my values?”
